Today was an absolutely amazing display of highs and lows. I can't shake the feeling of surrealiy that's settled over the day, and I don't know when this particular veil will lift, but for now, it's...calm. I'm calm. Life seems okay, but when I take a look under the surface...it's not. It's so...messy. Slippery. Sticky, like I mess I've forgotten to clean, but I know the pieces of this particular puzzle are still in the box and I'm staring down at the cover.
My grandfather passed away last night. The night before last. Depending on how you look at time and whether or not your day starts with waking up or at midnight. It hasn't quite sunk in yet; he was my mother's father, and we might not have been the tightest or best of friends, but we were good. Things were...as fine as they were going to get. I saw him on my birthday, in March, and we smiled, we laughed, we joked. I showed him a bracelet I'd made and he said it was nice. He told me to do good and to behave, and I told him I loved him. Like I always do.
The news arrived at noon today, and I knew it was bad, before I was told. I woke up uneasy, and the phone was ringing, and that's always bad. I sort of...gasped, I guess, and that's been the most I've reacted so far. In the shower, it struck me that he was gone, that he wasn't here anymore, and in a second, it was swept away by memories of my birthday and Christmas and phone coversations and fighting. My mother's a mess. My family is walking in a sort of daze, and I feel bad for laughing, for joking with my other grandfather, whom I live with, in the kitchen, brushing my hair and listening to techno on the radio. We had a retirement party to go to today, and there were laughs there, tears from my grandmother, from my mother, and a sort of quiet over my brother that I haven't seen since mom was in the hospital.
I keep waiting for the shoe to fall, for my body and mind to react, but I can't and I feel bad. Life feels very odd, like an ill fitting glove, and I'm trying my best to simply fit; my ex and I were fighting last night and I snapped at him this morning, after learning the news about my grandfather, to leave me the fuck alone. I feel bad, but not really, because like Jenn said, it had to be done. He's been yanking me around on a chain for weeks now, trying to manipulate me into feeling what he wants me to feel, into being who he wants me to be, and I can't change, I refuse to. This is...well, it's my life, no matter how out of control it feels sometimes. I feel like two people at once right now, and while my thoughts are drifting from pillar to post, I have to wonder if either of them are very good at heart.
It's...three, I think. I don't really know; the clocks in this house are all wrong and I'm too fucking lazy to try and find out what time it is. I know I'm tired, and I'm hungry, but I don't have the will to eat or sleep and I just want to curl up with fic and never move. But I'm like this a lot lately, so I doubt it's because of my grandfather's death. There's an ache in my shoulders that streches across my entire body and I can't shake it for the life of me.
This...is turning out more depressing than I thought it would. Feel free to ignore this entirely. I just needed to talk at something, and this seemed like the best option.